Zombie Attack – What the experts say

The BBC news site finally tackled the issues of today…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/8206280.stm

“If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.”

Says research from Ottawa Uni, and we thank them.  This is obviously “news” and not something George A Romero has been telling us since 1968.

We all know this will happened at some point, we’ve all thought about it and have a rough idea what to do.  I myself would head to a shopping centre; sit on the roof and sniper the wandering deceased that look like celebrities.  Maybe run around beating them to death with pool cues to Queen’s “Don’t stop me now”, Shaun of the Dead style.  Wouldn’t mind just snapping upskirt pics of female zombies, I’ve covered wars you know.

Professor Ferguson is Director of the MRC Centre for Outbreak Analysis and Modelling and Chair of Mathematical Biology at Imperial College London, this guy has an OBE, was a leading mind on Foot and Mouth, Bird Flu and now the Swine variety.  He has done some really good work HIV, smallpox amongst others, and he came out with the following…

“My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then its dead forever”

Wow, thank you for that golden nugget.  I myself would like to add that a shotgun blast to the face has a similar effect…  Seriously, if a zombie attack DOES happen this is the guy we turn to? Really?  I’d rather seek out Sienna “Jill Valentine” Guillory or Will “Dr Robert Neville” Smith and hang around with them.  I think acting in a zombie film makes them as qualified as “The Prof”.

So, what was the big question the brains asked…

“If there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win?”

Zombies, next question.

Honestly, you don’t need a zombie invasion to know most of us wouldn’t survive without fuel.  I’d be too lazy to walk anywhere and probably wouldn’t be able to find anything once my iPhone battery dies.

OK, what DID the “experts” says about this…

They decided to go for slow “Night of the living dead” not the speedy “24 days later” style infected.  This was to give us living a fighting chance.  It leads to drawing out the inevitable the fact that I’ll be running away for longer before collapsing with exhaustion and being eaten.

What do they say about fighting back?

“hit them hard and hit them often”

It is very important to note this also works on reality TV contestants, just for fun.

“It’s imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else… we are all in a great deal of trouble.”

::insert patronising slow clap here::

“zombies can come back to life”

Erm, No, Zombies ALREADY came back to life
Zombie – Noun – The body of a dead person given the semblance of life

In Dawn of the Dead (1978 and 2004) it is said that Zombies are attracted to the Mall because they have some form or learned intelligence and they’re following a routine they had when they were living.  Will be interesting to see if the modern day Undead picks up the phone on a Friday night and votes for Dipshit or Cantrella or whatever house mate is currently making a twat of themselves in the hope they never have to work again.

Of course they COULD stagger round town aimlessly till the early hours of the morning, starting random acts of violence, eating dodgy meat products, throwing up and generally making trouble, but humans do that too.